The first day went pretty smoothly. Got my etoposide but mostly just hung around, the drip only takes an hour and a half. I even slept pretty well last night. I just spoke to the nurse about today's chemo and I'm a little more nervous today than I was yesterday. The etoposide made me nauseas again at 3am.

Today I have etoposide, carboplatin and iphosphomide. If the one drug made me nauseas I don't know what the 3 drugs is going to do.

Was up at 5am today to go to the city. Got there before the office opened.

Had a Rituxan drip and saw the dr. He came up with a plan to make the ICE go smoother this time. Hope it works.

I go in Saturday for the ICE.

Means another 2 and a half days with an IV in me. I'm not sure what the worst part about the IV is. By this point my veins are shot so its always hard to get one started. Then there's the constant pain at the point where its stuck in me, followed by days of more pain in the whole region from the damage its done to the vein. I think the machine trumps the pain though. The machine that's attached to the tube to control the rate of flow. There's an alarm that goes off every time there's air in the line, some of these drugs are very bubbly, or the line is pinched off at some point and it drives. Me. Crazy. That constant beeping. Then I have to wait for a nurse to come and fix it, and then it just goes off again 5 minutes later. Or right away, today they fixed it and it went off again within seconds. I can't describe the hate I have for these machines. When I'm done I may go buy one at the medical supply store just to smash with a bat. I hate them.

I woke up with a purpose today and it felt awesome. I took a job from work and since I'm going in for Rituxan tomorrow, it had to get done today. I worked from 9:30 to 6:45. My brain definitely needed the exercise and the distraction. I'm actually tired from something besides chemo today.

I was freaking out this morning
A. About going back for Chemo
B. About what I'm going to do after this is over.

Thankfully the GI and bleeding thing have been worked out so I can stop freaking out about that.

I really didn't feel like myself for a while. I've gone beyond stir crazy into plain old crazy, probably from all of the drugs mixed with all of the free time on my hands.

I decided going to the office would give me a taste of my old, normal life so I went in for a little bit and feel better having done it. Had to wear a mask the whole time I was there bc my WBC is low and I really don't want to get sick. I figure I'll be pretty much house bound from now through the next two treatments. It's only 4 weeks, then my immune system should be strong enough to start seeing people again and getting back to normal.

Another thing that really helped was talking to Vick and hearing that he had a lot of the same problems. Sounds like he did CHOP.

It's taken a while, but now that I finally feel like myself its time to drag my body out of this rut I've been in and try to enjoy the next few days before I go back in for another treatment.

Going to the GI today at 3:45 for bleeding I'm still having. I called twice and left messages about my situation and my need to see the dr but Mom knows how to get stuff done. They called me back 20 minutes after speaking to her and made an appointment for me.

So, I havent written any blog posts lately, mostly because I've been pretty down. No comments please, they'll only compound the problem. Besides my physical issues my mentality has definitely been very negative. I havent wanted to speak to or see people. Yesterday may be the first time I laughed all week. (i was hanging out at Dads with Em watching Walk the Line which I've had confused with Walk Hard.) I've had enough of this. Going to the hospital Saturday really pissed me off. I'm sick of the needles. I'm sick of being sick. This whole thing sucks and I have to go back through it all again on Thursday. I'd say I've developed a chemo phobia after last time.

The clean PET really felt like the end of the road. It sucks that the tougher chemo is coming now. Doing the ICE knowing my PET was clean feels counterintuitive and makes me want to resist which just makes the whole thing harder.

I guess it's a relief to get these feelings out there and stop bottling them up. Maybe my intestines will stop bleeding now.

Blood looks ok. Dr sending me home.

Blood in stool @ 11. Spoke to dr @ 11:15. Said to come to hospital. Now I'm sitting here waiting for WBC count to come back from lab.

Wow, I don't know about the Ativan and Reglan. I'll try the Reglan alone next time if I get sick like that again.

That's the second time they've given me Ativan. The first time was during my first RCHOP. They also gave me 50mg of Benadryl in my IV that day.

Both times knocked me out for days.

I literally spent yesterday sleeping and blankly staring at the TV.

Everything's kind of hazy but I was definitely up yesterday morning for a little bit. 8ish to 11ish. I was queezy so I took the Zofran/Ativan/Reglan again around 10:30. I slept from 11-2ish. After that I read a few pages in my book, sat outside with buddy, and watched tv. I walked the dog around the block with Mom last night too.

I was really out of it.
I don't think I had more than 3 thoughts all day.

The Neulasta was definitely doing its job. My bones were aching and I was really weak physically. Opening my water bottle was tough every time even though I'd screwed down the lid myself. I couldn't just use my wrist like I should have been able to. The Neulasta is the shot that causes my bone marrow to grow back, creating new blood cells. If I had to guess I'd say my WBC count is really low because I've been taking this shot after all of my treatments and I've never had such strong side effects, but my counts have been coming back high.

I feel better this morning. The nausea and headache are entirely gone but it was a trade off. I pretty much got rid of those feelings by getting rid of all feelings. I'm not sure it was worth it. All of a sudden it's Friday.

I didn't sleep great last night, probably because of all of the sleep I've gotten, but I woke up with brain function so that's good.

I'm finally ready to start my food log again. That's the longest gap in it since I started on 4/5.

I'm going to stop writing now because its taking way too much effort. and time. It's like being brain damaged. I'll have to do brain exercises today, Sodoku or something.

The ICE met all of my expectations. It's Thursday and I'm still tired. The zofran stopped working Tuesday night. I spent hours yesterday feeling really nauseas. It took a while but the pills that they gave me seem to be working, partially by putting me to sleep. I'm hoping today's better, it's 8:45 and I'm awake so that's a good first step. We'll see.

Highlight of my day was mom taking me to Sonic for a strawberry milkshake.